How appropriate that I begin writing this post at the time of day when the sun reaches into the kitchen window and shines all its glory onto my favorite spot on the couch, where I now sit, feeling as if I can clearly see and comprehend the magnitude of my current situation, and my own actions that have brought me here. I boldly stare into the light as it washes my face with all its purity and truth. Without blinking, I peer into my soul.
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I am all heart. The fact that every ounce of emotion goes into every word I write only solidifies my claim. I cry as I write. I'm surprised the keyboard hasn't shorted out from all the tears it gathers. And a heart this big can't be contained. And so I must spill my heart out to all of you.
With that being said, I would like to apologize for all the somber posts here lately. But that's what's going on in my life and I need to talk about it. I would also like to thank all of you for all the support and advice you have given me these past few days. It really means a lot to me! I know I haven't been out there visiting your sites and commenting and I feel horrible, but I'm sure you can understand. Hopefully soon I can return to stopping by regularly and giving you a virtual hand-job leaving you a meaningful comment.
Back to business at hand, I think it's time I reveal part of the problem. And that, of course, is me. The things I do, the choices I make. I fucked up my marriage, plain and simple. I was too blind and stubborn to see how my actions were hurting her.
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Denial. That's the word often associated with addicts. I drink beer. I smoke weed. I refused to see it. I drink two beers a day, sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes not at all. And of course my two-a-day beer consumption is complimented with a toke. I rarely ever get drunk. I don't drink for the sake of getting fucked up. I thought it was a harmless way to wind down and relax after a hard day's work. Denial.
I denied myself the ability to see how it was affecting others. I now must make a choice. Am I ready to give these things up? Do I truly love my wife, or am I just hurting? Before those answers make themselves known, I just want to announce that I feel as if I now know in my heart what I want. There are many questions to be answered here. If I love her so much, then why did I continue to hurt her like I did?
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There are other factors that contribute to this marital malfunction, but for now, let's focus on the addiction. I come from a family that is prone to addiction. I grew up around it, became a part of it, and let it consume me. I know it all to well. It took my father's life.
On that note, I have something I would like to share with you. In the days following his death, I was lost in my own little world, jamming to the tunes on my father's ipod, coping with his passing, drinking, and cooking a meal fit for a king. My wife was watching me and she wrote me a letter......
I love you! The past few days have been sad, yet happy for me. I have watched you become a different, yet stronger and wiser man. I can't stop thinking how lucky I am to have you! I can't imagine my life without you! You have given me two beautiful children, one of which you purposely got me pregnant for!
I now feel that was God's plan. He knew that if we had a child we would stay together. What a smart man he is! Who would have thought a big mouth like me would be with a shy guy like you?
I don't know where I'm going with this, I just have so much going through my head right now that I feel I must write it in order for it to somewhat make sense to you.
Right now you are cooking and trying to sing Nickelback and I can't help but fall in love with you more and more, minute by minute! How is this possible? A girl like me falling in love? I will never know how, but I do know I love it! The feeling of being loved like never before! The way you look at me just melts my heart!
I have realized these past few days that everything I have done for you, made me proud to do it and I loved doing it. I knew it was the last thing on your mind and I love you! And yes baby, you ARE awesome! I love your cooking, your eyes, your sexy EVERYTHING!
I can't even put into words how else I feel!
THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!
P.S. You are worth every bit of sleep I am losing and the stress being put on me